A Mother's Day

First Mother's Day without your Mom.  You want to cry, but then you think...almost everyone will lose their Mother, and how many have lost her already.  What a day. I am not a mom, so I have no children to shower me with gifts or a husband to spoil me, just me, myself, and I.

I was out and about today and what I noticed is that so many people were out as families.  It has lead me to a conclusion:  I hate Mother's Day.  It is an excuse that allows us to appreciate our mother's only one day a year.  We should appreciate our mother's every single day. I spent too many years taking for granted the very presence of a woman who loved me unconditionally.  Now she is not here to listen to my days or dry my eyes.  Mother's are priceless, their worth is far above any thing you can buy or experience you can have.  Give your love and appreciation to your mother each every single day.

And You Think You Are Wierd

Today I am going to share with all of you part of my entrance essay for college....enjoy!

As a secondary education mathematics major you find that you are not common.  I sit in classes filled with engineering majors who are working hard and learning so that they can be successful in their careers.  I too wish to be successful in my career, but I know that I will be starting at a significantly lower pay than my classmates.  I could be an engineering major, but I am not passionate about it. I am passionate about teaching mathematics; this complex and detailed discipline that baffles millions, brings some to their knees and others to tears.   I was once one of those students.  Mathematics was difficult for me in elementary school and then in middle school.  It wasn’t until my ninth grade year that I had a teacher that taught me to really love math and I have loved it since.  He unveiled all the mysteries and created a dynamic learning environment. 

Helping people understand mathematics is my passion.  Just this semester I have come to love physics which is simply applied mathematics.  I hope to be a secondary education mathematics major at UMBC and declare a minor in physics.  I plan to teach after receiving my bachelors and continue on and get my masters.  My final educational goal is to complete my doctorate.  In my career, I hope to create dynamic ways of illustrating mathematical concepts and communicating the mathematical language.  I have only recently come to love physics, so my goals within that area are still developing.  The most important goal I have is to never stop learning or teaching.

What a Girl Wants

Today I watched Colin Firth.   I used to love movies, but recently I have found them sort of blah, and I find it a chore to get through a whole one; often spreading it over several days or even weeks.  Today I caught a snip of the movie What a Girl Wants with Colin Firth.  My mother loved Colin Firth.  He was frequently referred to as Mr. Darcy owing to his captivating role as said Mr. Darcy in the BBC film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice.  As I watched the movie and anticipated my mother's favorite scene where he dances in his leather pants in front of the mirror, I began to cry...uncontrollably.  Don't get me wrong I recovered minutes later, but those tears came unbidden and they would not be stopped.

If there was one thing my mother and I had in common it was our love of films.  We would watch them together and it was a rare treat when we would get together and actually see a movie at the theater.  When I was 16 we went to see Sense and Sensibility and I left the theater in tears after seeing Willoughby standing on the hill at Mary Anne's wedding.  My mother was puzzled and a little out of sorts, but it soon became regular commentary to suddenly call out "Willoughby" in a weepy voice which would bring a smile to both our lips.  My mother always said I had a flair for drama.  I have always tried not to rather unsuccessfully.  

So I miss my dear Mama, my Mumby...my Mum...all of these names came from a film and they were all adapted to fit her, because she is Mrs. Dashwood, Mrs. March, and Mrs. Jones all rolled into one and I miss her more today than I did the day she passed away. 

71 Years Today

Today is my mother's birthday.  Is it right to still celebrate it?  The emotion has been building all week.  I found myself in tears more times this week than in the last month.  I find myself dwelling on her photo which is still the background on my phone.  People think grief is something you work through and then you are fine, but when you lose the person who carried you inside her and then was the one constant, that grief doesn't just stop.  So many people say you never get over the loss.  So today, in honor of my deep unaltered love for my mother I will wear this shirt.  I got it a few years ago for Mother's Day.  I only wish I had remembered I owned it earlier; it would have become a regular rotation in my weekly wardrobe.  I love you, Mom....

I Heart Mom T-shirt

What do You Say?

What do you say to someone who has lost a loved one?  What do you say?  It seems that the majority of the world is without knowledge in this area.  I know how you react.  You get solemn and then you are overwhelmed with pity, empathy.  I didn't want any of that.  I don't know how everyone else feels, maybe they want people to pity them.  I spent the first months after my mother's death not wanting to tell anyone who wasn't a friend; co-workers, etc...I didn't want those eyes of pity. 

The most important thing to do is to simply reach out and let the person know that you are there and accessible.  You are there.  That is all they want to know.  The time is confusing, overwhelming, emotionally draining, etc.  Don't expect too much in return, just let them know you are there and thinking of them and that is all they really need and if they need more, they will ask because you made yourself accessible. 

Beyond that remember that the grief doesn't evaporate it will likely be a lifetime before they get over it.  There is nothing or no one to replace what they lost and they are adjusting to life without them.  You do not need to be syrupy sweet and understanding, just know that they may be a little off kilter and don't worry about it too much if they tear up once in a while.  

Do What You Say You are Going to Do

I have a dear friend that repeats this mantra to me over and over, and it has become a voice I cannot ignore.  I can't tell you how many times I have cancelled plans, or blown off things I said I would do, or just failed to follow through on something.  I know I still do it.  I just realized today that I told my brother I would pick up something from his house and it completely slipped my mind; however, I do this much less than I used to.  Before I would consciously choose not to do or complete things that I had said I would, but now if it doesn't happen it is because I truly forgot.

It seems this world we live in is full of broken promises, promises to write or keep in touch or to help with something that never comes to fruition.  I used to be the queen of broken promises, but through my friend I have learned that this is no way to live or be a genuine person.  I used to live in fear of people relying on me because I feared I would let them down.  To combat this I would let them down on purpose so they would learn not to rely on me....yes, I did.   I know that this is no way to live.

I challenge you, all my readers to think before you make a promise or even a casual statement of good intentions.  Follow through is something I was never good at, but I have learned to make it a priority and that has made all the difference for me in my life. I no longer intentionally make promises I know I will likely not keep.  I may disappoint more people initially, but in the long run I am doing them and myself more of a favor than if I make a promise that will never come true.

A Friend that Makes You Smile

Do you have that friend?  One that just brings a smile to your face almost no matter what they say; the one whose very presence causes your mood to lift and you life to brighten.  I have one.  I only met him recently while taking German this past semester.  He always has something interesting to say and something witty to share.  He is nine years my junior, but that doesn't seem to affect the enjoyment we take in each others company. 

My favorite thing about him is that he doesn't care that I like to do things last minute and that he is pretty much up for anything he hasn't done before.  He talks faster than me, which is an amazing accomplishment, and he isn't afraid to be himself.  His latest comment was that I failed to put him in my blog, so here is an entire day dedicated to the very fact that he exists and what a wonderful influence he is currently having on my life. 

If only they made more people like him......TN.